April 2010
7 posts
Justin Bieber has shown that the key to a celebrity not committing adultery is to not be an adult
Curious if anyone knows of any tax breaks for people who didn’t commit a heinous financial crime this year
Be an advocate for LGBT rights. Support @GLSEN (via @TwitCause) http://bit.ly/twitcause Donate at http://tinyurl.com/give2glsen RT pls
I didn’t think my life could be summed up in 10 minutes until I filled out a census form.
Donate a dollar to fight MS http://tinyurl.com/allforms! Follow @AllForMS (via TwitCause) at http://bit.ly/95pwHs RT please
Sorry, can’t get this out of my head. I watched this every Easter when I was a get. No, I’m not old, I just li… ♫ http://blip.fm/~o2q2i
I wish the resurrection of our lord and savior was deemed important enough for a day off work
November 2009
18 posts
I don’t worry about identity theft because thieves have better spending habits than me
#follow friday @bloodhoney Because she’s my sister, that’s why.
# Follow @capricecrane She always makes me giggle
#Follow @AlaskaArtist She’ll show you Alaska is more than cold, it’s F’n beautiful!
#Follow @edrafalko He’s a charmer
#Follow Friday @GhoulFriday She just fun to follow
#Follow Friday @missdestructo Because @edrafalko loves her yams and I always listen to Ed
Say I’m the only bee in your bonnet…”Birdhouse in Your Soul” ♫ http://blip.fm/~fxany
It’s a good thing I’ve got Facebook & Twitter because my social skills are eerily similar to those of notorious homicidal maniacs
I’ve decided to do my part to get the economy moving by sending in the minimum payment on one of my overdo credit cards.
Rather than continue with my diet, I’m hoping to get some sort of horrible stomach ailment, fingers crossed
I just wounded Nathan D. in an assassination attempt. #spymaster http://bit.ly/playspy
RT@capricecrane Lady Gaga: “Remember: the ultimate accessory is the condom.” She’s like Buddha, if he dressed like a circus tent on meth.
They could never replace me at work, it would be too costly and time-consuming
Happy King Tut Day! Discovered this day in 1922! Yes, I am a fountain of information that you could care less a… ♫ http://blip.fm/~furbr
I told my mom that for Thanksgiving I’d be happy to help her wedge stale bread up a turkey’s asshole. Still waiting for her reply
Ladies, let’s stop rushing to find husbands and start rushing to freeze our eggs
Always give up your seat to someone pregnant, elderly, handicapped, or really hot
October 2009
75 posts
I’m outie. I’ve got to get the rest of my costume for tomorrow. I’m going as Mad Cow Disease. HAPPY HALLOWEEN!
This is (the day before) Halloween! ♫ http://blip.fm/~fn5qy
I wish we could still cover neighborhood trees in toilet paper without feeling guilty about wasting precious resources
I’m doing my part to save the planet by occasionally using method hand soap
I was just thinking, I’d have a nicer ass if I didn’t feel so lame doing the exercises that improve asses
I just wounded @i2o in an assassination attempt. #spymaster http://bit.ly/playspy
I just upgraded my Black Ops. It’s go time! http://snods.com/ #SNODS
I wish Starbucks would stop mysteriously insisting I drink their less expensive and crappier tasting instant coffee
My health plan covers half the therapy sessions I need so plan on me being half-insane
I was thinking of scaring the shit out of kids this Halloween by dressing up as a reality show parent
I just wounded @Eva_Unit_00 in an assassination attempt. #spymaster http://bit.ly/playspy
Ducks lost to the Maple Leafs last night. My sister was very funny. When she heard 2 for hooking she said “and 3 for a blow job!”
Run it up the flagpole and see who salutes…. ♫ http://blip.fm/~ffhl0
For @missdestructo ♫ http://blip.fm/~fg1rx
Let’s celebrate there only being 2, 3, or 4 days left in the workweek!
I’m always happy to escape the stifling confines of my identity, if only for a few hours at the end of October
All about me ♫ http://blip.fm/~fficv
Taking a multivitmin should help with the illusion I’m somehow repairing the grisly damage I’ve caused my body all these years
I’m not but I thought this song might help. ♫ http://blip.fm/~f6fof
F.Y.I. : Being in a relationship is precisely as undesirable as being single
My job performance is sluggish today because I was up late watching a movie I’ve seen 14 times
I just upgraded my Headquarters. It’s go time! http://snods.com/ #SNODS
Wish me luck choosing a costume that’s not too clever for anyone to understand
Just so you guys know, I take my sarcasm very seriously
Let’s celebrate Boss’s Day by profusely thanking people who make embarrassingly higher salaries than us.